TWISTED KISSES

I was scanning through a bunch of articles I wrote a while back for Slack Jaw Punks. And I realized that website really isn’t functioning anymore. I haven’t posted there for a few years so it’s not surprising that the site’s demise went unnoticed. It’s cool to see they have a podcast but a website…not so much.

I thought it might be fun to revisit those articles and repost them at The Monkey House. Most of them had to do with movies in general (I think there’s a tv show list in there somewhere) so we’ll showcase them on this page.

For the first article, as Valentine’s Day is a week away, it seems appropriate to repost my top 10 list of gross-out spit-swapping in movies. I actually didn’t update it because all of these still stand true!

(Originally Published for Slack Jaw Punks, 2016)

After running some errands the other day and witnessing all the red and pink and hearts and lace and love and invasive décor reminding us all we’re almost out of time to buy more meaningless crap for our significant others so they’ll know HOW MUCH WE LOVE THEM OH GODS DON’T LEAVE ME FOR JERRY IN THE MAILROOM I SWEAR I’LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT I CAN CHANGE…

What was I talking about?

Oh, right. Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and it got me thinking about kissing. But then again, what doesn’t? I wanted to highlight just a few movies that showcased the darker side of lip-locking. You know, the scenes that made you go…

 Or even…

I had to include one television example simply for its historical significance but the rest are mostly gag-inducing freak shows of cinematic saliva.

So take a peek. Think about them. Discuss them with your friends and family. Get in a fist fight over ‘em with your roommate. Maybe recreate them yourself, if you’re man enough.

WARNING: SPOILERS – but for cripe’s sake, the newest offering in my list is 15 years old. So stop crying. Just stop it.

Jethrine and Tyler, Beverly Hillbillies (the movie), 1993.  I know there are haters out there but this was one hell of a delightfully funny flick. Diedrich Bader plays Jethro Bodine, as well as his twin sister, Jethrine. This delicate little flower (all 6’2” of her) takes a shine to Tyler, played by Rob Schneider, a sniveling little con man. As the climactic wedding scene wraps up, Jethrine grabs Tyler and strong-arms him into a good 30-second smooch. Hysterical and not a little unnerving, especially watching Tyler try, and fail, to detach himself from the towering southern belle.

“I don’t have to give the dress back, do I?”

2. Anck Su Namun and Imhotep, The Mummy Returns, 2001.  The sequel to The Mummy (obvi) shows us bad boy Imhotep being resurrected, again. His reincarnated love joins him this time to destroy the world or escape Hell or something. Whatever. I have no problem with Patricia Velasquez kissing Arnold Vosloo (talk about yummy mummy). But when Anck Su Namun decides to lock lips with Imhotep’s resurrected rotting corpse, well, then I have issues that I just can’t resolve.

“You’re gonna put on some Chapstick first, right?”

3. Uncle Belvedere and Ramona, Cry Baby, 1990. I am not a huge John Waters fan. But this flick is chock full of camp and satire and black comedy so I just couldn’t turn away. Except for one part. I was pretty grossed out by everyone tongue-jockeying in the extreme-sport style French kissing scene up at Turkey Point (aka The Redneck Riviera). And as rock-n-roll awesome as Iggy Pop is, watching him slime someone’s face as he basically tries to swallow it is just too much for me to process.

“Did you have ring baloney for lunch?”

4. Kirk and Uhura, Star Trek, “Plato’s Stepchildren”, Season Three, 1968.  Say what you will about William Shatner but the man was hottie heaven in the 60’s. In the third season, Kirk and other members of the Enterprise crew are psychokinetically manipulated by an alien race because apparently being psionically endowed means you can be a giant ass hat (yeah, I had to double check the definition of psionically – shut up). Kirk and his Communications Officer, Uhura, are forced to kiss. Not only does it put a strain on the Captain/Crew professional relationship, it was the first interracial kiss aired on prime-time television. Pretty cool, huh?

“Watch the tongue, white devil.”

5. Dr. Frank-N-Furter and Brad (and Janet), Rocky Horror Picture Show, 1975. Two hapless goody goodies stumble upon the home of a Transsexual Transylvanian mad scientist and his cronies. They are forced to stay, sans clothing, to witness the doctor’s incredible creation. For those who just don’t GET Rocky Horror, you may find the whole experience head-scratching bizarre. The kissing in RHPS is not twisted because Tim Curry is dressed in drag. It’s not because he goes for Brad after making the blond muscular love slave, Rocky, or that he then goes after Janet. It’s, uh, well…it’s…I think…I’m sorry. Can we just take a minute to bathe in the gorgeous glory of Tim Curry, please?

“Take a ride on my frank-n-furter. I dare ya.”

6. Brian and Meg, Family Guy, “Barely Legal”, Season Five (2006).  Meg, the only daughter of Peter and Lois Griffin, whom everyone hates or forgets about, can’t get a date for her prom.  So out of pity, the family dog, Brian, decides to take her. He drinks himself practically blind thinking it’s the only way he can tolerate the whole evening. Until he starts making out with her. Meg then develops an unstable ‘fatal attraction’ obsession with Brian. That poor dog.

“Was…was that even legal?”

7. Luke and Leia, Star Wars, 1977.  Okay. I don’t care if this is one of the best movie franchises EVAH. George Lucas wrote MULTIPLE SCENES with Luke and Leia kissing or almost kissing, even though he admitted early on that theirs was a familial bond! Siblings sucking face is just plain oogey even if the audience isn’t aware of the relationship yet. And don’t give me that ‘oh, they didn’t know at the time’ or ‘they’re just movie characters, you spaz’.  Being ignorant of the rules, or not truly bound to them because you’re not real, doesn’t exclude you from them. Period.

“Incest at its best.”

8. Jake Gray and Marisol, Devour, 2005.  Jake Gray gets involved in an on-line game called “The Pathway”. Once he’s in, people start to die and he suspects the Devil may be involved. As he investigates, the truths revealed are not exactly what he expected. Okay. I don’t care if the most beautiful man in existence is in this flick. Mothers and sons kissing each other is just plain oogey, even if they are The Devil and her Antichrist offspring and we expect that kinda behavior from them.  See #7 for the rest of the rant.

Any reason to post a picture of Jensen Ackles… I mean, just LOOK at the man.

 

9.  Sheila and Deadite Ash, Army of Darkness, 1992.  In this hilarious third installment (Yes, it’s no longer scary. It’s funny. Get over it.) Ash gets pulled through time and into the past, where he STILL has to fight Deadites in order to save the day and win the girl. Now, Bruce Campbell is sexy and adorable and who the heck wouldn’t want to kiss him?  But after Good Ash buries Bad Ash, who then rises from the grave as Deadite Ash, even The Chin can’t save him. So when DA clamps his rotten slimy mouth onto poor Sheila, make sure you’ve got the puke bucket handy.

“Do I have something on my face?”

10. Billy and Heidi Halleck, Thinner, 1996.  So Billy is a slimy lawyer who, while driving home one night, gets a little road head from his wife. And wouldn’t you know it? He got so distracted that he ran over an old gypsy, killing her. Now her son has cursed Billy to lose weight until he dies, UNLESS he passes the curse on to someone else. Naturally he blames his wife for this whole mess so why not give it to her? The curse takes only a good night’s sleep to run its course and the next morning Billy is so happy at seeing the gelatinous slip-n-slide his wife has become that he plants a big one right on her desiccated face. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

“Honey, I don’t think that new night cream is working.”

Now get out there and suck some face, people!

The Haunting of Bly Manor - Review

Yes, I set up this page for movies, but this Netflix series is so cinematic, it could pass for one. So my review will live here, snug as a bug in a rug.

As someone who watched The Haunting of Hill House, and loved every creepy moment of it, I was more than excited to see the teasers and trailers for The Haunting of Bly Manor. It’s the second installment in Mike Flanagan’s Haunting series (I’m not sure how many he has planned).

I expected Bly to be like Hill, quite unnerving and scary, dark, bloody, creepy, and filled with “blink or you’ll miss them” moments and scares. But what I got, what Flanagan gave us, was an entirely different kind of story; one that involves ghosts, yes, but each with its own heartbreaking origin, and lasting effects.

To quote one of the final lines of the show, “You said it was a ghost story. It isn’t. It’s a love story.” Everything that happens at Bly Manor, good or bad, originates with love.

I won’t spoil any plot elements, but if you’ve read The Turn of the Screw, or seen any of its film adaptations, you’ll already know the basic premise. The rest of the story was fleshed out from there, so it did spin off in new directions, and some other elements were added in.

But I can comment on a few things, and hopefully what I share will make you want to go stream the entire nine episodes in one sitting (or two, like I did).

1. Story: So many people went into this believing it would be nearly a carbon copy of The Haunting of Hill House (I did). Not surprising, since many of the actors from that series played roles in this one. They did not reprise the same characters at all; this was not a continuing story of Hill House or the Crain family. And because we absolutely DID NOT get a repeat of Hill House, so many folks are out there screaming foul, and crying into their pumpkin cinnamon ales and half-caff, lo fat, espressos with oat milk. But like I stated above, once you realize this series is based on The Turn of the Screw, your expectations take a back seat - or they should. This is a hauntingly heartbreaking story. Yes, there are literal ghosts here, but they aren’t the only kind represented. Regret, guilt, abandonment, death, love, hate, fear - all of these elements create ghosts, too, ones that haunt the living AND the dead. So do me a favor. If you watched this wanting creepy, jump scares galore, blood and gore, and were disappointed, PLEASE re-watch it, and put all that shit to the side. Throw away your 1980’s definition of goth (believe me, that irony is not lost here), and keep the 18th century meaning closer to heart. It will completely change your perspective, and make all the difference. (check this link for some quick descriptions of what makes gothic literature: CHARACTERISTICS OF GOTHIC NOVELS )

2. Cinematography: It was actually filmed in British Colombia, Canada, but if I hadn’t looked that up, I would have thought for sure it was filmed in England. The grounds of Bly Manor itself were fittingly gloomy, foggy, depressing, and gave us an overall feel of things abandoned and forgotten - which fits the story PERFECTLY. Lighting (or lack there of), composition, color, focus, the way certain scenes were framed gave us a heads up that maybe we didn’t need to watch Dani’s every movement as she walked through the foyer, but instead should have concentrated on that dark corner by the stairs…. All worked seamlessly together to create a visually stunning show.

3. Style: The beginning and end of the series take place in 2007, but the majority of the story is told in a flashback to 1987. And it represented the time period well. Not everyone had a “Frankie Goes to Hollywood” t-shirt, or bangs up to the ceiling, or shoulder pads for days. It’s much more subtle than that, but stylized enough for anyone who survived that fashion garbage dump of an era (*coughMEcoughcough *) to easily walk in at any time during the entire series, and realize when it took place. But even beyond the costuming, the language, the music, the sets all told us what year it was. You could even see and feel the 2000’s style that started and ended the show.

4. Acting: Every actor in this series was top notch. Even the two kids exceled as Flora and Miles, two children hiding a BIG secret. I think Kate Siegel, whose part was not as extensive as it was in Hill House, stole the show every time she was on screen. I’ve spied a few comments on-line that dragged T’Nia Miller through the mud for her ‘lacking’ performance as Mrs. Grose. And all I can say is: fuck off, you mouth breathing half-wits. As a viewer, there’s a lot we learned only as the characters did. So as Mrs. Grose evolved, and unearthed her personal truth, it made T’Nia’s performance THAT much more fantastic. But I have to say, overall, Henry Thomas gave one of the best performances of his career in this show. I’ve always liked him, but I never sang his praises from the rooftop. That is all about to change, my dear friends. I’ve already begun to dig a moat around my house to fill with marshmallow fluff, just in case I fall as I scream my little lungs out. He was absolutely phenomenal in this series.

I have a feeling I could almost write a dissertation on this television series if given enough time, and coffee. I know I can get hyperbolic in many aspects of fandom, but for realzies, I’m serious, like totally and fer shure, that this has been one of the best tv shows I’ve watched in a while. I’m excited to see where Mike Flanagan will lead us next, even if he scares me so much to induce a heart attack, even if he grosses me out to the point of puking, or even if he breaks my heart, and reduces me to a blubbering wreck.

Testing...Testing....

Monkey at the Movies

All the bananas you bring me get doled (knee slap) out here. Which films earn the most? Read on to find out…

When I posted a couple weeks ago about my new department here on my site (Monkey at the Movies) I should have made the page a “blog” instead of just a regular “page.”

Fuck me and my web design illiteracy…

So, now I’m creating a new blog page for my MATM posts, making it easier to jump or link to a specific review. And I’m trying to insert a banner or WHATEVER that will show up on each post. But since it’s not working (or, more accurately, I can’t figure out how to get it to work) I’ll just plan on manually inserting the above image and text for each post.

Gaaaahhhhhh…..help me…..

I’ll eventually move my first review to this blog page but let’s see how this works before I make a complete clusterfuck of everything here.