The Monkey Is In.

So be prepared. Bring a banana.

I'm a writer of horror and dark fiction. I've been doing this since 1999 and believe me when I say, it's cheaper than therapy and safer for the world at large.

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Dozer (2006 - 2021)

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I’ve been sitting at my computer, thinking on how I can begin this post. And I’m at a loss, literally and metaphorically. So what better way to begin than to say I don’t know how.

I have so many firsts involving my boy, Dozer. He was my first pit bull; the first rescue where we knew, at least on some basic level, he didn’t have a good beginning and would need time to feel safe and secure; the first dog that had so much anxiety, he ate through no less than three walls, two doors, busted out of a wire cage and broke teeth on a heftier one, ate through wiring (luckily without electrocuting himself), destroyed a bean bag lap desk so badly to the point that styrofoam beads had spread to the upstairs living room; the first dog that wanted to give love more than he got it; and was the first dog I’d ever had that didn’t favor his mom or his dad, but was happiest when the whole pack was together.

He was also the first dog where we were able to schedule his euthanasia before his physical and mental health became so critical as to require a trip to emergency - which would have been a strange and unknown place, causing more stress and fear on a dog who was already at his limit, and deserved better than that.

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Dozer came into our lives about a year after Roscoe had been our only dog. Dozer was afraid of a lot of things - men, strangers, anything you held in your hand, loud noises, being alone. When we first went to meet him, though, it didn’t take him long to warm up to Robert (maybe 20 minutes). And once he met Roscoe, and moved into our house, I think we all helped him with the rest. Well, for the most part anyway. Fireworks and thunderstorms were his two biggest triggers, but I don’t think I’ve ever had a dog that LOVED either of those things.

The last nearly six years of his life, Dozer was the only dog in the house. I think that may have contributed to his increased anxieties, but at the same time it allowed him to become more confident and sure of himself. So much so that anyone or any dog that dared walk by the back fence was treated to the most fearsome barking and growling I’d ever heard come out of that dog before.

He was a good guard dog and acted like a real tough guy, though I’m pretty sure that was just for show so no one would find out how big of a scaredy-cat he really was. Or to try to infiltrate his territory, obviously.

I have so many thoughts and feelings about this dog that I don’t think I can properly organize them all here in a single post, so please excuse my less than organized ramblings here.

Except for a few years during college, and a few months before moving back to Michigan, I’ve always had at least one dog. And now, for the first time in 27 years (since we moved back), I’m spending my days in an empty house. There are no remaining dogs who Robert and I can force extra love onto to help cope with this recent loss. The only comfort I can find right now is that the current pandemic allowed us to spend so much more time at home with Dozer during what would be his final year. If there’s any kind of silver lining to be salvaged from 2020, this has to be the silveriest of them all for me.

It’s already been two weeks that Dozer’s been gone. I don’t like that time continues to pass, that the world moves on, that I don’t have my little wigglebutt with me anymore. In all honesty, I am broken and I am not okay.

My mind is telling me it will get better, and somewhere deep inside, I know it to be true. Which just makes his absence that much more painful. All I can do is trudge through each day the best I can, cry when I need to, offer support to the hubby when he needs it, and hopefully we can both make it out to the other side of this with minimum scarring.

Good bye, my sweet Dozer. We will meet again some day. Until then, I will love you forever.

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PROJECT PAN - aka My Attempt to Actually Use Up Some of the Shit I Buy

I've seen quite a few videos on ye olde YouTubery about something called "Project Pan". Basically it's a conscious effort to use up a certain amount of makeup/skin care/hair care/etc. over the course of a year. 

In make-up lingo, when you've used enough of a product, say a blush for example, that you can see the metal pan at the bottom, it's called 'hitting pan'. Hence, Project Pan is to reach that goal - to see that little circle of tin shining through. Then to work on those few grams of product as much as possible until you've finished it.

Make sense?

This also applies to things that don't have pans - eyeliners, lipsticks, hairspray. You're just using a product until it's all gone. 

The reason to do this, for a lot of us, may be to help curb the urge to go out and buy our 37th lip gloss or 23rd gel eyeliner or 17th tube of mascara until we finish up what we've already purchased. It shows us what greedy little whores we've been this past year (or 5) and maybe we should just calm our shit down already. (Obviously I'm not talking about makeup sent as a PR shipments or a launch or some other instance where people are given products to try, which I don't get, obvi)

So I went through my stuff and pulled out things that I've already hit pan on, are close to doing so, or products that I've had a while but keep shoving to the back of the drawer because they've been replaced by the latest new shiny object.

I don't know how this will go. I'm not the most disciplined person on the planet, I'm lazy as fuck, and I'm in constant need for variety (I blame being a Gemini). But it certainly doesn't hurt to try so I'm thinking I'll do update posts ever 3-4 months, assuming I remember to take pics of my PP products BEFORE, AFTER, and DURING this whole process.

But let's break down what I've got and what I'm hoping to achieve in 2018.

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I wanted to post the lip stuff image first because at this point, there's no real plan to use up any of these. With my Invisalign trays, even products that DON'T normally get all over my teeth DO get all over my trays. So I've pulled aside my lightest colored lip products (except that Dose of Colors liquid lip because that shit dries before you can say Monkey Wanna Banana and doesn't get all over) and will try to use those as often as possible. This pile has lip liners, lip sticks, and lip glosses. I will keep these on top of my vanity as a reminder to use them. (UPDATE: I've already discovered that the Tarte lipstick and my Colourpop lippie stick in Choker get all over my trays so those are going back in the drawer. Ugh. I may be resigned to colorless gloss for the next few months if this continues.)

I've not included eye shadows in this project because I have a good collection of palettes and singles and I know damn well I'll never use any of them up so LET ME HAVE THEM, DAMMIT! DON'T JUDGE ME!

I gathered all these products a couple of weeks ago and just within the last two days, three of them have dried out too much to be usable. They included a Colourpop gel liner, Essence Mascara, and Seraphine liquid eyeliner.

The rest of my products, with more detailed pics, include:

Eyeliners

I forgot to take a picture of the full packaging of the double ended Elf eye shadow/eyeliner stick (the thick dark grey pencil below). But while trying to measure out the eyeliner end, I dropped it and it broke. I also had a dark brown Milani retractable eyeliner and while measuring the amount in that one, it refused to roll back down into the tube and mushed off. So those can be marked off the list! It's a cheat but whatevs.

I love the Elf cream eye shadow. I haven't used it much but I don't think there was a lot of product to begin with. It's a great base for under similar toned shadows but it looks really nice on it's own, too. The Colourpop eyeliner looks dry but it's not. I don't know how this has stayed so creamy when the black and green ones, which I bought later, are already dried up and gone.

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Mascara/Liquid Eyeliner

I originally had an orange tube of mascara from Essence in the pile (you can see it in that first pic) but it started getting clumpy and dry in the past day or so. So I pitched it and replaced it with the Medusa's Makeup Witch Lash you see above. Th…

I originally had an orange tube of mascara from Essence in the pile (you can see it in that first pic) but it started getting clumpy and dry in the past day or so. So I pitched it and replaced it with the Medusa's Makeup Witch Lash you see above. The Kat Von D liner might only have a few more uses - I've had it so long I can't believe it didn't dry out sooner! 

Eye Primers

Because of the style of packaging, it's hard to measure how much is in each tube. But I'm pretty sure at least half is gone from the Elizabeth Mott one (thank gods because it SUCKS) and I've had both of these for a very long time. I need to use them…

Because of the style of packaging, it's hard to measure how much is in each tube. But I'm pretty sure at least half is gone from the Elizabeth Mott one (thank gods because it SUCKS) and I've had both of these for a very long time. I need to use them up!

Eye Brow Gels/Liner

The L'Oreal brow plumper is so old but still going strong (had it before I went Cruelty Free). The Coloupop brow boss gel is weird and I don't think it does much so I just wanna use it up. I also forgot to take a full pic of the eyebrow pencil from …

The L'Oreal brow plumper is so old but still going strong (had it before I went Cruelty Free). The Coloupop brow boss gel is weird and I don't think it does much so I just wanna use it up. I also forgot to take a full pic of the eyebrow pencil from J Cat Beauty. FYI, it's actually really nice.

Concealer

Because this product is so thick it's hard to see how much is actually in the bottle. It also turns out that, though I loved this when I first got it, it looks way too dry now under my eyes. So I'm going to try and use it as an eye primer.

Because this product is so thick it's hard to see how much is actually in the bottle. It also turns out that, though I loved this when I first got it, it looks way too dry now under my eyes. So I'm going to try and use it as an eye primer.

Liquid Higlighter

I doubt I'll finish this as I only need a teeny amount each time I use it. It's also very thick so I can't measure how full the bottle is or how much I will work through.

I doubt I'll finish this as I only need a teeny amount each time I use it. It's also very thick so I can't measure how full the bottle is or how much I will work through.

Lip Oil

You can see I've worked through 3/4 of this already so I hope I finish it soon! It's from Milani and it's either the Rose or Raspberry scent.

You can see I've worked through 3/4 of this already so I hope I finish it soon! It's from Milani and it's either the Rose or Raspberry scent.

Face Powders

I got that small Tarte setting powder a few years ago. I've made some progress but it's been in my drawer for so long, I really gotta use it up. The compact is their powder foundation. It's a good color for winter because it's super light - it actually does look weird on me in the summer. So I'll use it as much as possible over the next few months. I'd like to at least wear off that stamped logo/name!

The Elf powder is almost a cheat here. But those little bits on the edges are completely usable and a brush can get in there really well.

Bronzer

This is from Pixi. I don't use bronzer that much and when I do, I don't put on a lot. But it doesn't even look like I've made a dent in it! Ggrrrr.

This is from Pixi. I don't use bronzer that much and when I do, I don't put on a lot. But it doesn't even look like I've made a dent in it! Ggrrrr.

Eye creams

I don't know why the cream blush is in the picture but okay...I've had the other tubes for a while and I'm pretty sure they're almost empty. The little one for sure. I use these right before concealer which helps immensely with application. The…

I don't know why the cream blush is in the picture but okay...I've had the other tubes for a while and I'm pretty sure they're almost empty. The little one for sure. I use these right before concealer which helps immensely with application. 

The blush I've had for YEARS, I believe I got it in a 3B subscription. I'm loath to use it up because I have nothing else like it and I don't know if I can find this anywhere.

Blushes

The deep red blush is from NYX. Again, I've had this for a long time but it's super pigmented. I barely need to tap by brush on it to get enough color. So I have no illusions that I'll hit pan any time soon. But I need to use it more since it is a perfect color for the winter time. I'd like to make some kind of dent in the quilted pattern at least!

The purple blush is from Colourpop, one of my first purchases. It looks a little ratchet but believe me, it works just fine. I hit pan a while ago but I haven't been using it consistently. That's about to change!

Foundation

I honestly don't know if that line is exactly where the level of the remaining product is. It's hard to tell but it should be close. Though this formula is a bit drying, it's a decent match for me now. It can look a little yellow but I'm working wit…

I honestly don't know if that line is exactly where the level of the remaining product is. It's hard to tell but it should be close. Though this formula is a bit drying, it's a decent match for me now. It can look a little yellow but I'm working with it. If I need a foundation that I know will last really well, I won't use this (Tarte Rainforest of the Sea is best for me) but it will stay on for a few hours and that's good enough for errands or lunch or something quick.

Face Primers

The Touch in Sol No Poreblem (terrrrrrible pun) primer is almost gone. I do enjoy it but it's nothing special. The Catrice Prime and Fine is SO close to the end. It won't be long now! 

Perfumes

I have a ton of samples that I finally cleaned out because all I could really smell was alcohol. I thought I'd try to put more of the keepers in rotation. I might switch these out after a few weeks but right now they are (L to R):Merchant of Ga…

I have a ton of samples that I finally cleaned out because all I could really smell was alcohol. I thought I'd try to put more of the keepers in rotation. I might switch these out after a few weeks but right now they are (L to R):

Merchant of Gallifrey roll-on in the scent Bad Wolf (lightly scented with Mango and Rose); a sample of L'Homme by YSL (it's a fresh boy smell, that's all I can say); Lavanila Labs (best.vanilla.scent.ever.); a sample from ZOMG Smells called Lola's New Dress (vanilla and clove)

Holy hell. I may have bit off more than I can chew on my first go around but I'm hopeful that I'll make some kind of dent in my collection this year. At least I'll pay closer attention to the things I have and, even if I don't use them up, discover what I really enjoy the most. Wish me luck, people!